Here is a short story that I wrote a few years ago. Some of you read it back than. But as Dennis Miller used to say. It is not a rerun but an encore presentation!

A M E R I C A N MONKEYS

It seemed like the day I decided to take my own life that the weather some how knew. It was fitting what was to be my last day on Earth was one of those extremely dark days when you began to wonder if the sun still existed. I guess it didn’t even matter where I stood now. Standing in the dark, damp subway station. Finally my train pulled up and I got in. Not a moment too soon either the stench of the urine in the subway was particularly strong that night.

I took the first seat. The train was quite full for such a messy night. The only reason I was out in this mess was to say goodbye to my friend Peter. Peter and I had grown up together, although I haven’t seen him too much these days since he went to school in the city. When I got there some spaced out guy who I have met before greeted me, I think his name was Darren, or Jared, or something one of those names you don’t hear that often. He told me Peter had gone to his girlfriend’s house for the weekend. I couldn’t believe it . I couldn’t even get my most important goodbye in. To top it all off it reminded me that I was dumped a month ago. I guess I wouldn’t had been that big a deal if it hadn’t been so close to me flunking out of college. I can’t look back. I’m going to do it tonight.

Looking around the train I was on I wondered why it was frowned abound to take your own life. In fact, society would be much better off with out some of my fellow passengers. For example, the fat man two seats ahead of me. I mean this guy must have been without exaggerations 600 pounds. I don’t understand people like him, you would think when he broke 400 he would have decided to lay off the Twinkies. The man’s rolls of fat jiggled as the train moved. It was jiggling almost in perfect timing with the metal squeezing sounds the train made.

As my eyes scanned the car I found another cancer to society. Miles Peterson, I graduated high school with him. We were good friends for the first two years or so, he was acutally kind of a quiet geek type. However, one day he decided to pretend he was a bad ass. He started wearing chains, dressing differently, calling everyone YO. What really pissed me off was that everyone but Peter and me seemed to have bought it at the time. He became one of the most popular guys in school. He would tell me every Monday about the girls that he would get laid by. I never understood girls. I guess that’s why Gina left me.

I clinched a bottle of aspirin in my hand. It was shoved way down deep in my pocket. I figured that’s the way to go. It’s going to be tough enough for whoever discovers my body. No need for me to add to the horror by putting a bullet through my skull and having them not only see my dead body but my brains scattered all over the room.

When the doors opened again to let the next wave of passengers in and a fresh dose of urine air, Miles spotted me. He got up and walked towards me swinging his arms like he would turn around and hit anyone who gave him crap. Its funny I still see that quiet kid he used to be. He used to have a Ducktales lunchbox our first year of high school. Not only was it odd for a kid that age to still have a lunchbox, but to have one with a cartoon on it made it even funnier. He sat down across from me.

“How you been Yo?” he shouted loud enough to make sure everyone knew he was cool.

“ I have been”
You would think with the blatant roll of the eyes I gave him he would have gotten the hint.

“Where you working these days? he asked.
“Ralph’s market.”

“Still? What are you up to about 4 bucks an hour?” he asked followed by a fake laugh.

“About that.”
Now notice I didn’t ask him anything about his life. However, he saw fit to tell me anyway.

“I’ve been working for the Central Federal Computer Data. Its easy cash. Because, I know my shit so well. I get on the phone and sell people software and shit. I even go to their homes to help fix problems. I make commission on selling them a warranty from our company. I’ll go in there and scare the crap out of them by telling them horror stories of all the viruses going around. Not only do I get them to buy warranties and make commission, but I exploit the real dumbasses. I’ll run a disk in their computer and charge them 50 bucks telling them they are protected from all the newest viruses. Although it doesn’t even do that. It just runs through the files. Its totally meaningless.”

I started pretended in my mind to punch him and throw him into the wall of the train. I always make stuff up in my mind when I’m bored As I looked around the train I was amazed to see this incredibly sexy woman about my age sitting, alone. As Miles rambled on and on, I began to think maybe I could postpone my plans for the night and make a new friend. She had straight dark hair and a low cut red tank top on. Peter once lent me a book about how men and woman get together. The one theory was the monkey theory. That if two people were forced to stay in the same spot for a long period of time they would end up having sex. Like monkeys in a cage at a zoo. I got out of my seat while the train still moved. I figured I had at least thirty minutes until we reached Stewart Street, which was my stop. She wasn’t going anywhere. Might as well go out with a bang. I always wanted to put that monkey theory to a test.

My first move to make and impression on her wasn’t very good. I kinda fell into the seat next to her. I wondered if Miles was still talking.
Our eyes met. I had to say something other than hello. That would be pretty lame. I took notice of her wearing shorts.
“Aren’t you cold?” I asked. Although one look at her tank top gave me the answer to that question. I didn’t want to look, so I sent my eyes to look at the chair in front of me. There was a bunny sticker on the back of the seat in front of me. I just sat and looked right at it.

“Yeah well it’s always hot where I work so my boss let’s me wear shorts. She’s cool like that” I turned back facing her just to see her smile after she said that. I saw her big brown eyes widen. She has such a nice smile, that it made me feel guilty about all the sinful things I thought of her while crossing that train.

“Melissa’s my name but call me Missy” she extended her soft little hand.

“I’m James.” We shook hands. “So where do you work?”

“American Bagels you know on 45th and market?”

“Oh yeaaaah” I lied.

“Do you want one?” she asked she leaned over to get a bagel out of the bag sitting on the floor. My eyes went straight back to the bunny. I took the bagel and wrapped it up and set it on my lap for later. I wanted to talk to her, but not about me. I’m sure she wouldn’t want to hear about me going to school to become a doctor and failing. Or how everyone seemed to have better luck than I do, even guys like Miles who didn’t deserve it. Or that if this train wasn’t moving so slow, that I would be downing a bunch of pills right now.
“Where you heading?” I asked.

“Back to my apartment in Amesbury.”

“That must be so cool to be out on your own. I mean my parents drive me nuts. Everybody has it better than me. What made you finally decide to get out?”

“Actually my parents are dead”

No where in that monkey book did it mention about what to say after that.

“I’m really …”

“When I was ten my mother was killed in a drunk driving accident. My father was never the same. Six years later I came home from school to find my father lying on the kitchen floor. He was dead of a heart attack. I sat there holding him waiting for the ambulance. But I knew he was gone. I could feel it. I have some relatives down south, and a grandmother in a home. But I have been on my own since I was sixteen its been me and my Little sister. I work at the bagel place and take classes when I can. I’m not going to be there my whole life. I’ studying to become a vet I love animals”

When I first saw her I could only think about what she would look like naked. Now I couldn’t. I just thought about holding her when she was crying and holding her in sense to say it wasn’t fair that she was dealt a lousy hand in life. But its amazing when I looked at her she didn’t seem defeated. In fact, she had a look of total confidence when she told me where she saw herself. I placed my hand on hers for a second. She looked back and pointed with her head. She pointed right to Miles.

“Friend of yours?” she asked.

“Far from it”

“He comes in my work a lot. Her asks me to go clubbing with him every time. I just keep telling him no but he doesn’t listen. I told him to his face one time that I didn’t like him,but he still comes.”

Speaking of the devil. He came to us as the train had reached his station. He walked up to say goodbye. Or so I thought. He just looked at her.

“ I see you are talking to my boy Jimmy over here,” he said, hitting my shoulder. But it was the way he said it like I didn’t have a chance in hell with a girl like her that pissed me off. “Maybe I’ll stop in and see you tomorrow Missy.” As he finished that sentence missy and I both noticed the enormous piece of snot hanging out his nose. It was funny how he was trying to put me down in front of her, and he had a ten-foot booger clinging for dear life to a nose hair. When he left, we both broke into laughter. I hadn’t laughed that hard in I don’t know how long.

“Its funny most girls are into Miles big time,” I said once I caught my breath.

“Yeah there are a lot of naive girls that I could see buying into his act. I guess he sees other guys get girls who act that, and he figures he my as well pretend to be like them. Instead of actually being himself. I mean he may live a happy life with girls he dupes. But he isn’t honest with himself. I can even tell that. I guess his act is just his way of taking the easy way out.” I realized the irony of her comment as I clinched the aspirin bottle once again.

Before I knew it we arrived at Stewart station I got up. I realized what I slid on when I came over. It was little red plastic monkey, with two hook arms. It looked like it was from one of those barrel of monkeys from when I was a kid.

“Oh how cute,” she said. “ My little sister gave me them for Christmas one year. She said she liked the way that one monkey would always hold on with all his might to keep the other from falling.”

“Thanks,” I said softly. I think she thought I ment the for the bagel.

I gave her the monkey and told her goodbye. I stepped out of the train. I thought about doubling back and getting her number. Instead, I took the aspirin and threw it as hard as I could, and took a bite of the bagel. It was sweet.