Thursday, November 07, 2002

"Dan K.'s Wild Ride"

Well if read Dan K. Hemphill: Race Car Driver? a week ago, you know that Dan K. was about to put the pedal to the metal. Well the predictions were half right. Thankfully he is not dead, but he did crash his car. What follows is an email I got from him hours ago. I honestly thought it was a hoax, like the time he told me Eric Lindros was in a coma after a car accident. Okay Here is the e-mail. TGIF loyal readers!

I'm in pain. My neck hurts, my shoulders hurt, and my chest hurts. This is the result of driving an Indy car right into the back of another driver at 100mph. The sad part is, my prediction came true, the accident happened right before big bend on the straightaway. All of the cars had manual transmissions, the guy in front of me in the green car was about half way down the straightaway. What I didn't know at the time was that he was in 2nd gear and couldn't get the car into 3rd, so he was only going 35 or 40mph.

On the straightaway I was in 4th and had it floored, doing about 100mph. As(the) big bend came up I noticed the green car was right in front of me, he came up so quick! I smashed into the back of him, causing him to spin out of control and fly off the road. The front half of my indy car was cut off, the electrical system died, and my body catapaulted forward, causing the restraints to slam into my shoulders and chest. The car just hobbled to the side of the road. The car was majorly f**ed. The instructor said that was the first accident to happen there in awhile. Leave it up to Dan K to go overboard. I was hoping to rip around big bend at 90 or so. I didn't even make it that far.

And no, this is not a joke.
Time for Tucker’s World Double Header folks, and I am sick of election talk so ..you wont find anything here about it! At least not at this time. This mean there are two NEW posts. That confused people last time.

“Stages of Love”

Being no expert on love and unable to sustain any kind of meaningful relationship, I figured to break down the stages of love for all my loyal readers. This from what I gather is how it plays out.
Stage 1:
Boy meets girl. He consults his friends to see what course of action should be call her? How many days must you wait?

Stage 2: Boy becomes comfortable with girl and brings her out with his friends. He spends most of the night mauling her openly and publicly. His buddies awkwardly stand there and look all around with their beer in their hands.

Stage 3 :
Boy’s cell phone doesn’t work when anyone with a penis dials it up. Boy starts getting laid on a regular basis which is and upgrade over watching sports with friends and making gay jokes. When the boy shows ups to see his buddy’s it is like when Kent Manderville scores a goal. They all cheer and hug. Everyone is smiling.

Stage 4: Boy may or not be dead. All contact is lost. His buddies decide to go on a search for him. They get sidetracked and end up at a bar and forget why they were driving around in the first place.

Stage 5:
The boy reappears, but as a unit. He is like Christopher Columbus telling this single friends about his vast discovering of coupleville. He than shows gives advice to his single friends. He tells his friends they should go to grocery stores or bookstores to meet people, because that is where people meet. I worked at a grocery store for like a year and never saw love blossom. I also used to frequent borders, and just saw people reading.

Stage 6:

The couple grow the desire to collect knickknacks and stuff made of wicker. This is the stage of no return. You friend as you know him is dead. They get a place together, and it smells like cinnamon. They have china.

Stage 7


Boy bumps into one of his friends in a mall. It is all awkward and they stand there swaying. The single friend tries to elude that he is getting laid a lot more than he is. You decide to make plans sometime. You end up over the buddy’s house only to find that your being set up with his girlfriends big boned friend.

Stage 8

Your friend who writes a web column starts to wonder if writing for the column after 1 am is a good idea.

Stage 9.

Many years pass. The happy couple gets all giddy one night and decides to go to a bar. When they get there they see all the friends of the boy now a man. They are sitting at a table watching hockey games. They have chart out in front of them and are trying to figure out their stance in a fantasy hockey league. None of them seem to have any females near them at all.
The man looks to his girl and she nods. The man pulls out a revolver and fires a shot at one of the three guys sitting there. They guy does a face dive into a plate of all you can eat wings. The blood spills all over the white fantasy league sheets. The 2nd one is shot down, but he doesn’t notice because he is talking about a Dr. Who episode he enjoys. The third guy wrestles the gun from the man shoves the barrel down his throat and pulls the trigger. It doesn’t go off. The 3 of them laugh and go to the diner together. It is seafood bisque night


“ Beached Whaler”

Kevin Dineen former Flyers Captain and whaler retired this week. He was never one of the most talented players in the league but he made up for that with heart and grit. He was one of the best players on the Flyers in the early 90s. He was one of the players that brought back to following hockey. I am very glad he did.

I recall how awkward it was for him to be coached by his dad. I remember how he never gave up even when the team didn’t make the playoffs for five years. I remember how he scored many a goal, and got the old building rocking loud. He was the last really good captain of the team, although Prims might finally fitting the role.

He spent time with the Sens, Whale, and ended with the Blue Jackets. He has already gotten a cushy office job. His leadership in the locker room with the young team .

From NHL.com. Dineen scored perhaps the most memorable goal in the history of the Whalers in the 1986 Stanley Cup Playoffs against Montreal in the Adams Division finals. He intercepted a Montreal pass in the neutral zone and then turned Canadians defenseman Larry Robinson on his way to roofing a shot over Patrick Roy.

Good Luck Kevin.

Not that your reading this. But Rey might be. So that’s good enough.

Tuesday, November 05, 2002

“Lame the Vote”

It is election day so I felt obligated to make voting a topic today. I guess that makes me a sheep, but not one of those gay ones with the different brain. Not that there is anything wrong with that.

In my social problems class we realized that 8 people were actually voting and about 27 said they were not. That’s is why my friends that we will always have a two party system and things may never change. Certainly there are enough people in this country to support a third party and silence the bitching that is done by everyman American.

Some students sat and scratched their head in bewilderment with a not so look bright look on their face. Others were jaded saying since the voting system is not based on the popular vote there is no point to vote. Of course that is not the case in the Senate Election. For those of my loyal viewers that are not aware the president is not up for re-election for another two years. That was thrown in for Chris Arter who likely already stopped reading this entry because he cares about as much about politics as I do cars. I just hope he doesn’t kill himself before leaving his current school.

What was I talking about ? Uh….Oh yeah. This one girl said she just likes to hit the little buttons. She is adorable and it was really cute when she said it. One guy in the back actually was voting republican. Because, they are all about making money! Another person claims he jumps the democratic ship because of their recent behavior. He mentioned how they the recently broke the law by entering a last minute candidate (see Feeling Minnesota). However Technically since the court ruled that it was cool. It was legal. Wrong sleazy and under handed, but legal. So me and that dude were wrong.

HORN BLASTS!!!!!!!!

Either that means the Flyers are giving someone a smack down again or its time to read a little READER MAIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Here is an email from Andrew “Puma” Vogel from Stratford. Drew writes.


When you say that the Democratic party overturned laws to get Lautenberg into the race, that is simply not true. The law said that you CAN change candidates at any time at least 51 days out from the election. That is not the same thing as a law saying that you CANNOT change candidates after that deadline. Some states (New York) have laws that say that. Other states (New Jersey) do not.

Even leaving that aside for a moment, the New Jersey Supreme Court is the highest authority for interpretting New Jersey law. The highest authority, period. As long as it doesn't conflict with the U.S. Constitution, anything they decide to do is legal, by definition. To say that Lautenberg only got on the ticket by breaking the law is just incorrect; no less incorrect than saying that 2+2=5. There is simply no room for argument on the matter. The New Jersey statute was ambiguous, the Supreme Court interpreted it to answer the question, and that's the end of the story. By all means, vote for Forrester. By all means, consider the switch unfair. But to call it illegal is factually incorrect.

I hate the US Supreme Court's decision in Bush v. Gore, but I've never said it was illegal. It was perfectly legal. It was an abomination of transparent legal reasoning designed to appoint Bush to the presidency at any price, but it was legal.


Okay. There you go. Tucker can be wrong.

However most people in our generation grew up hearing tales of Watergate, and corrupt politician after politician. Many people would rather just stick it to these fellows by not going anywhere. People think votes don’t make any difference. I can understand why. Perhaps these people could get together and support a third alternate party (The green party is getting no where fast). However most these people are to apathetic or lazy. MTV can beg to rock the vote all they want. People our age and at this point just most people generally could give a rats ass. More people are likely to vote for the next American Idole than some rich guy running for office.

I cast my vote a few hours ago. But voting republican in a state like this is pointless. I have more of a chance convincing people I am not in love with Jenna than the democrats losing this state. The same blue haired old ladies were there. Not a soul under 60 in sight. As of now Tucker’s world exit polls show that the democrats have won control of the house. Some would say I wasted 5 minutes of my life. At the very least I earned myself the right to bitch about the way things are, which is more than I can say for people who don’t vote at all.

If you want to learn more about gay sheep cut and paste
http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&u=/nm/20021104/sc_nm/science_sheep_dc_1