Friday, October 18, 2002

"Sweet Avril"

Oh my sweet Avril. I saw you rocking on the MTV last night. You were bouncing up in down with your little tie flapping all around. Your wear that black makeup around your eyes ever so seductively.

You belt out those words of yours. Singing and rocking as hard as you can. You make that cute little face, and do that little kick.

I see that smile, your enjoying your moment in the sun. Sticking it to all those kids in school that laughed at you. Making your millions.

But I see a certain sadness in your eyes, but dont worry! Look no farther. I may not make a lot of money, I may not be a cool punk or skater like you. But I will love every square inch of your young body. And your music charged by your passion. You little Canadian all full of spunk.

Sweet, Sweet Avril.

I know you could easily make a fist, and throw a punch and kick my ass. But I don't buy that hard ass girl routine. I know you just need some sweet loving from a blog writing college super senior. Of course you and I can only be together when im a sleep curled up in a little ball.


Sweet Avril, if only you were fat, not rich, and drunk. Perhaps you would be in my league.

Oh Sweet Avril...see you in a few mintues when I drift off to dream land!

Wednesday, October 16, 2002

"Six Theories on the Sniper”


Call him the Suburban Sniper, or the Beltway Killer call him whatever you want. Unless you live under a rock you know what I am talking about. Although one of my readers had no idea that we had a problem with our economy so maybe some of you don’t know what I am referring to. All the major news outlets have been covering this story 24/7. Even if nothing happens for 23 of those hours. So just from hearing co-workers, students and other random people’s view I am going to put some theories here.


Theory # 1
The killers are a high school couple sort of like Natural Born Killers the early years. There is a video game out that once your done the level the phrase “ I am God” appears. The same phrase left on a tarot card at a crime scene. So perhaps they got their training from hours and hours of playing video games. Since, I don’t play video games I don’t know the title of this one. I just know the basic premise is to try to kill people with a bullet. I know Duke always has games where you just randomly kill people.

Why it’s unlikely

I can not imagine that a high school student would be so accurate. Especially they last one, had to have been done by a skilled marks men. This theory is pretty much dead in the water, although the video game part is intriguing.



Theory # 2
Vietnam vets would tell you, that when a hitman took someone out a tarot death card was placed. This would make sense because snipers of that time were some of the best that ever lived. Just ask Martin Riggs. A free beer will be given to the first person to e-mail me who Martin Riggs was.


Why It is unlikely:

There is a good chance the card was planted by some random person for kicks and giggles. Plus, it only happened once.


Theory # 3
A disgruntled ex-cop. They only reason that this theory exists is again because of how accurate the shootings have been. The only reason that I think it wouldn’t be, is because I think they would have been able to figure out who the hell it was by now. The person obviously lives in the area.


Theory # 4

The shootings are Al-Quida related. A person who claims to have seen the shooter (Monday Night) claims that he had “Olive colored” skin. Quite a few of the shootings took place at gas stations. Supposedly the new post Bin Laden ( I happen to agree with the theory he was blown to bits last December) Al-Quida would like to go after the economy. Surely, people being afraid to leave their house would result in less spending. Making Americans feel unsafe, every minute of the day seems like something the good old Al-Quida would do.

Why it is unlikely:

I am honestly starting to think this one might the closest to the truth. However, I would think that other cells would get in on this in order to raise more hell all over the country. I mean supposedly, there are cells all over. But if this guys name is Bukeerahek-em Muhamand- Abul I would not at all be surprised.


Theory # 5

There are two sets of killers. They are in a competition based on the video game, or at least similar to the video game. That would explain why people have claimed to see different vehicles leaving the scene of the crime. I would imagine each shooter would have a driver too. Maybe they get extra points for killing a kid.


Thoery # 6

Dan K. Hemphill has gotten fed up with all the “Sheep” and has decided its his job to thin the heard. Thin the herd of those who pretend to have fun. Thin the herd of those who stand in line in front of him at Wawa whose mere mannerisms cause him annoyance. Thin the herd of people who still use the VCRs. Thin the heard of the flock people who conform to the norm. Live by obligations. Those who go to the funeral of their girlfriend’s dead grandmother. Those who still have analog cable.
Think about it. When was the last time any of my readers saw the man? Did he even really move to MainStreet? His mother used to use tarot cards, and on many occasions he spoke about his disgust for humanity.


Why it is unlikely:
Dan K would never put that kind of mileage on his car. Also his eye sight’s about as good a 75 year old man.


As I type it the local police led by a Forrest Whitaker look alike, have instructed scared citizens to zigzag their way around. This way the sniper can’t take you out. You may look like a total ass walking down the street like a drunk, but I guess you would be a harder target. Also, I am still waiting for the liberals to say that pulling people over in white vans is profiling, and in violation of people’s civil rights. Wonder if he will strike tonight.

Monday, October 14, 2002



“The Unhappy Meal”

I am pretty sure that McDonald’s is using subliminal messages in their latest commercials. As many of my readers know I’m currently interning in Pennsauken. Luckily, there are many food options for me during my lunch break. I usually go to this “grease truck” called Jimmies, where you can get a lot of good food for cheap prices. Burgers, cheese steaks, wings, spicy sausage sandwiches, etc. you name it!

Anyway last week I week, when I woke up all I could think of was McDonalds. The minute I woke up, I thought of that little burger with the odd tasting pickle, and strange blend of cheap cheese and warm ketchup. Well it was raining, which made me write off Jimmies entirely. Despite the fact that their burgers are pretty good. I had golden arches dancing in head all morning.

While I waited in the line, I decided to up the anti and go with the classic Big Mac. Yep Keith…eer uh. Tucker was having a Big Mac Attack! I placed my order, and got it the # 1 and got the big size. MMMM can’t wait to eat it! I remember when my parents took me there as a kid, how great it tasted. I wanted to experience that flavor again.

Sadly, the Big Mac was given to me before I got my change from my 20. Never a good sign if you want a fresh burger. I mean I know its fast food and all, but. I sat down in solitude (my imaginary girl friend is pissed at me and didn’t meet me for lunch this time). Apparently, Big Macs have dwarfed in size since the last time I ordered one. I think they tried to put an abundance of lettuce in order to make up for the lack of meat. I took a bite, and it was lame. No taste at all, and the fries were even blander. I sat there thinking. I knew I hated McDonalds, so why the hell did I come here? I never enjoy my meals here. The MC tasty is okay, but I am not even sure they make them anymore. I recall vowing never to go back there again several times. Why did I think about how good it would be all day? Did they use some sort of mind control on me? I mean my desire for their food was pretty intense.

Speaking of intense, later that night while I was watching the Simpsons I felt a horrible feeling in my stomach. Despite the fact that I had not seen that particular episode in awhile I could not hold out any longer. I had to crap bad. I think the discharge that shot out that night could have been clocked faster than a Al Maclinnis slap shot. Not once, or twice, but three times in the matter of an hour I filled the toilet. The kind of crap that makes the entire toilet water look like thick chocolate pudding. It was something out of Dumb and Dumber I tell you. Sound effects and all, it was night a pretty sight, sound or aroma my friends. I am not sure that their meat is still made from cows. I am leaning towards kangaroo or pigeon. Regardless it did not stay in my body long.

I am not a scientist, so I can’t say for sure that the Big Mac was the cause of it all. It all fairness it was 6 hours after the fact, but its all I had all day long. So I will make them the scape goat, for first suckering me in again to eat bad food. Secondly, making me miss two simpsons I had not seen in a long time. So if you see Ronald McDonald in your travels this week fellow readers, kick him in the balls for me. When he is crying for mercy on the cold hard ground before you kick his ribs in, ask him where the Frig do you go to sign up for the Flyers Power Play Payoff.


Quick thoughts:
Apperently I missed a hell of a 3rd period Saturday night. And if you want to check out the coffin Dan K. has picked out for his ultimate demise. Go here.
http://w3.one.net/~spungy/wallpaper/arscasket.jpg
Last I heard he was touring Maryland, and Virginia gas stations.
Also I think last Night's Curb Your Enthusiasm( usually really funny) will likely be a topic of Monday morning conversation. The show made light of terroristic attacks and came off as pretty tasteless.