"Six Theories on the Sniper”


Call him the Suburban Sniper, or the Beltway Killer call him whatever you want. Unless you live under a rock you know what I am talking about. Although one of my readers had no idea that we had a problem with our economy so maybe some of you don’t know what I am referring to. All the major news outlets have been covering this story 24/7. Even if nothing happens for 23 of those hours. So just from hearing co-workers, students and other random people’s view I am going to put some theories here.


Theory # 1
The killers are a high school couple sort of like Natural Born Killers the early years. There is a video game out that once your done the level the phrase “ I am God” appears. The same phrase left on a tarot card at a crime scene. So perhaps they got their training from hours and hours of playing video games. Since, I don’t play video games I don’t know the title of this one. I just know the basic premise is to try to kill people with a bullet. I know Duke always has games where you just randomly kill people.

Why it’s unlikely
I can not imagine that a high school student would be so accurate. Especially they last one, had to have been done by a skilled marks men. This theory is pretty much dead in the water, although the video game part is intriguing.



Theory # 2
Vietnam vets would tell you, that when a hitman took someone out a tarot death card was placed. This would make sense because snipers of that time were some of the best that ever lived. Just ask Martin Riggs. A free beer will be given to the first person to e-mail me who Martin Riggs was.


Why It is unlikely:
There is a good chance the card was planted by some random person for kicks and giggles. Plus, it only happened once.


Theory # 3
A disgruntled ex-cop. They only reason that this theory exists is again because of how accurate the shootings have been. The only reason that I think it wouldn’t be, is because I think they would have been able to figure out who the hell it was by now. The person obviously lives in the area.


Theory # 4

The shootings are Al-Quida related. A person who claims to have seen the shooter (Monday Night) claims that he had “Olive colored” skin. Quite a few of the shootings took place at gas stations. Supposedly the new post Bin Laden ( I happen to agree with the theory he was blown to bits last December) Al-Quida would like to go after the economy. Surely, people being afraid to leave their house would result in less spending. Making Americans feel unsafe, every minute of the day seems like something the good old Al-Quida would do.

Why it is unlikely:

I am honestly starting to think this one might the closest to the truth. However, I would think that other cells would get in on this in order to raise more hell all over the country. I mean supposedly, there are cells all over. But if this guys name is Bukeerahek-em Muhamand- Abul I would not at all be surprised.


Theory # 5

There are two sets of killers. They are in a competition based on the video game, or at least similar to the video game. That would explain why people have claimed to see different vehicles leaving the scene of the crime. I would imagine each shooter would have a driver too. Maybe they get extra points for killing a kid.


Thoery # 6

Dan K. Hemphill has gotten fed up with all the “Sheep” and has decided its his job to thin the heard. Thin the herd of those who pretend to have fun. Thin the herd of those who stand in line in front of him at Wawa whose mere mannerisms cause him annoyance. Thin the herd of people who still use the VCRs. Thin the heard of the flock people who conform to the norm. Live by obligations. Those who go to the funeral of their girlfriend’s dead grandmother. Those who still have analog cable.
Think about it. When was the last time any of my readers saw the man? Did he even really move to MainStreet? His mother used to use tarot cards, and on many occasions he spoke about his disgust for humanity.


Why it is unlikely:
Dan K would never put that kind of mileage on his car. Also his eye sight’s about as good a 75 year old man.


As I type it the local police led by a Forrest Whitaker look alike, have instructed scared citizens to zigzag their way around. This way the sniper can’t take you out. You may look like a total ass walking down the street like a drunk, but I guess you would be a harder target. Also, I am still waiting for the liberals to say that pulling people over in white vans is profiling, and in violation of people’s civil rights. Wonder if he will strike tonight.