“Snowbound!”



::red light flashes wildly::

SIREN BLASTS LOUDLY

I am warning all of my readers now that the time to panic has arrived. Old Man Winter’s wrath is upon us. If you are reading this and you have not taken measures to make it through the chaotic storm that is going to slam the Delaware Valley do so now. Here is a checklist for my dear readers who I value very much.


§ Make sure you get half a dozen gallons of milk. Any less could result in death to you or someone you care about in your immediate family.


§ Make sure you get long underwear.

§ Make sure you get a bulletproof vest if you plan on shoveling your snow into a neighbors yard.

§ Make sure you get 7 loafs of bread, now since many people will be going for the same items it might result in an altercation. By all means use violence to obtain this. If you need to smack the other person with a jug milk till he falls to the ground. Than kick the person in the ribs. YOU NEED BREAD TO LIVE. Families without bread will likely die in the next 24 hours.


§ Go to Wal-Mart and get a shot gun. The looting should begin by 6 or so when people who were to nonchalant to get bread and milk will become blood thirsty. You need to protect your house. If you can’t get a gun, set up whacky obstacles like in Home Alone. If this doesn’t work throw bread at them. If you plan to loot I recommend Dan K.'s place he just got a new widescreen TV http://www.mitsubishi-tv.com/WS55711.html

§ Purchase an abundance amount of rock salt. Enough to cover your entire lawn 3 times over. Purchase snow shovels by the dozens. Make sure you dispose of them when the spring arrives so you can wait in a long line before the next snowstorm.


§ Ignore any responsibilities such as studying or homework do tomorrow. Arrogantly think that class will be canceled or if you have to work tomorrow get yourself psyched for a day off. If you are brave, enough to actually make it to work use it as an excuse to do nothing and take money from your employer for it. If anyone asks you to do something, tell him or her lucky you showed up at all.


§ Make sure your pointless but stylish head light covers are removed. (maybe 2 people got that one)




In addition, Tucker’s World will offer 5 dollars to anyone who hits Lima Beanz with a snowball and captures it on video or snaps a picture of it. The shot has to be either in the face or the testicles. The award will possibly be upped to 10 if he bleeds.