“Dream Job”


Many Americans are seeking employment right now. As a service to my readers, I am going to take today to write about a job that may in fact be the last job you have, because of how great it is. Let me break it down for you and you can let me know if the job is for you.

What You Will Do:
You have the privilege of repeating the same pieces of information to the dregs of society, stuck up yuppies, or people who just simply can’t speak a lick of English. Many of your potential customers will reek of foul body order or will talk in a derogatory manner. Many of the people you work with will have an IQ less than the number of times Ryan actually picks up his cell phone in a given month.

When there aren’t many customers in the store (quite often lately since the merchandise prices keep rising amongst competition and a slumping economy) you get pace the floor like a mindless drone. You can repetitively open and close doors to our merchandise or zone out. Others prefer to pretend they are actually doing some sort of work. If you are truly honored you get to wipe down the merchandise or do pointless menial busy work. Sometimes you can interact with your co-workers most of which make the products will sell seem like better conversationalists. When you do start to have an enjoyable time, management will promptly scold you and separate anyone appearing to be enjoying their day.

Who Do You Work Along With?

You can work closely with management who for the most part get dumber as you climb the corporate ladder. Every manger will have different policies that contradict that of others few of which actually make sense or benefit you or the store.

How Much Will I Get Paid?

Well you start off with slightly over minimum wage. However if you work hard enough and do what needs to be told you can likely get a raise that consists of ¼ a dollar per year. The longer you stay with the company the less of an increase you get annually.

Are There Rooms For Advancement?

I am glad you asked that! Because there certainly are. Granted the work is no more rewarding and the pay increase is laughable but the real incentive is less interaction with the customers. The higher up you climb the more time you are given to be able to hide from the eyes of the customers. That is basically the only incentive. The few times you do deal with customers is when they are horribly irate. Many times it’s a result of faulty merchandise or damage to their home as result of using our products. If you get to the highest point in the company you don’t have to take any of your phone calls, let alone return them, and have to know little or nothing about the merchandise. Lack of reasonable business sense is a preferred.


What Kind of Environment Will You Work In?

You get to work along with mostly two faced people and ones willing to stab you in the back for their own personal gain (so they don’t have to deal with customers). You also get under rules and regulations that change more often than the Allen Iverson utters the phrase “What’s Up Catdady?”

The actual facility resembles that of a dungeon with its horribly depressing décor. The open windows your only link to the outside world almost mock you for your 8 hour incarceration. Despite the fact we boast satellite TV you will not be able to utilize this luxury. No, you that would count as contact with the outside world. You must be subject to the same 8 minute segment provided by the DISH NETWORK because two people talking about the DISH is much more appealing than say a televised sporting event. If you become filled with murderous rage towards the two hosts of the program. don’t worry…its perfectly normal. Don’t bother to try to active news networks because actually wanting to keep in formed about your country being at war will not be tolerated.

What Kind Of Hours Will I Work?

We don’t even know, because your schedule will change frequently. Occasionally without warning.
All Holidays and weekends are certain to be pissed away why you push pennies us.
Do I get any incentive to do sell?

You get 10 dollars if you successfully dupe the senile, uneducated, naïve, or the finically trapped into paying our corporation money in hopes that the products we sell them don’t break in a mere 5 years. Many times this fee is half the price (or more) of the actual machine. It’s important that you should not let on that the MOST people that service what they we sell are lazy, shady, inept, ignorant, and rarely show up when they make an appointment on time if at all.

Sometimes you get candy.


How Do I Apply?
Go out your front door and look to the sky. Now get into your car and drive towards the dark cloud. You might want to back various different forms of clothing because the climate control in the store is about as dependable as a Dave Roberts forecast. So if this sounds like the place for you to work. Stop in and see us because we are hiring. My friend Jenna and I will be the ones trying to topple Maytag Neptune Stackable Washer/Dryer combos over on ourselves.