“Good Old Philly”

Ah, the good old city just over the bridge. It was in rare form tonight my friends. I was there tonight to see the Flyers play half-assed in front of a bunch of fans who spent a ton of hard earned money to see the game in person.

Right after my father and I paid 10 bucks for parking there was a random homeless guy sifting through the dumpster looking for cans. What a great way to greet anyone from out of town catching some playoff action. You do kind of have to feel sorry for that guy since we can afford to rent a piece of asphalt for 3 hours for 10 bucks, and this poor guy has to recycle cans to pay for his next meal or heroine shot which ever comes first.

In the second parking lot there were a bunch of under age kids drinking not even trying to hide their illegal action. Of course I was there once, so I was just like boys being boys that’s cool I hope they don’t get caught. On the other side of a row of cars sat a cop in his car seemingly bored out of his mind staring at nothing of interest. If I paid Philly taxes I might wonder why he wasn’t bothering to stop scalpers or directing horrendous life threatening traffic patterns or stop the under age drinking party.

While at the game a fight almost broke out in our section. Also during some of the few actual minutes of inspired play offensively for the orange and black a piece of white trash obstructed my view. He stood there with a not so bright look on his face at the end of a flight of steps leading down to the concourse. Of course this is like ordering a topping on a pizza slice in south Philly after a night at the bars. We all shouted things at the either drunk or ignorant person. I was mere seconds away from telling him we didn’t pay 75 bucks a pop to look at his back side. I figured all of section 215 had my back at that point.

Later on some guy was accused of something in the last row of the section. It might have had something to do with the giant hole made in the roof above or the graffiti next to it. It was upside down so I couldn’t read it.

Speaking of reading the people at the Philly Daily News were nice enough to give us a free copy of their newspaper with a special flyers cover. If you want to read a great article they published in an edition any child could have had in their hands on cut and paste this link. Its basically about some guys who tour cities doing plays with their genitals. They give an interview that is both humorous and informative.

http://www.philly.com/mld/dailynews/living/5737547.htm

Okay, so I doubt many kids were excited that they got a free newspaper. However they might have been if they looked over their fathers shoulder and saw Bert, Ernie, Miss Piggy and Lamb Chop. They article decided to let us know what other puppets were saying about this puppet show. There are some sick people working at this paper. It is not available on philly.com so I will put some quotes here for you. If you want a copy many fans nonchalantly tossed their papers which broke into millions (it’s a tabloid style paper) of pieces littering the premises.

Miss Piggy
“Well I never…If I ever caught my Kermie playing with Little Kermie that way, I’d break his little green head. Not THAT one. I could never imagine how anyone could eat sausages before watching this, and I am even more disgusted now."

Ernie
“Gee Bert, I’ll bet I couldn’t do those.”

Bert:

“Oh Erine,please, you were just showing me the Hamburger last night.”

Lambchop
“Oh I could tell you some stories you wouldn’t believe. That broad (the late Shari Lewis) could twist me a lot worse than those Aussies with their boomerangs and I didn’t make a dime off it.”

Of course the fans flipped flopped as usual. Everyone was excited that Fedoruk was playing his first post-season game. Nicknamed “The Fridge” it was clear he was dressed to rough up the opponent. Instead, the overly nervous fridge gave away the puck on his first shift almost letting up a goal. He logged maybe 4 minutes in ice time, making the coach double shift a player on the 4th line. Maybe the fridge needs to be checked off used and damaged from now on. Of course every fan (including the ones that cheered when the saw he was playing) said they would never had dressed him in a million years.

As my father and I stepped out of the FU center, I asked him why it smelled like horse crap outside. He told me it was simply the stench of Philly. By the time we reached the father parking lot passing the people selling balloons to brighten up a child’s night or more likely give fans a quick high for a buck I realized it wasn’t horse manure I was smelling. It was the combination of urine, lingering pot smoke (perhaps a drift from south street), cheese steaks, sewage, air pollution, exhaust and good old fashioned Philly funk. On second thought it might just be the rotting corpse of the Flyers Stanley Cup hopes.