“Dan K. Goes Legit ”


Dan K. finally came to his senses and put a ring on the finger of his long time girlfriend his past weekend. Dan has been with Jessica since the summer after we graduated highschool (1998). That is an insanely long amount of time by my standards. I cant even imagine. I think that’s even longer than he has had that festering foot fungus which may or may not be slowly devouring his foot.

It’s about time Dan realized she might be part of a select few that will put up with his miserable persona and constant black cloud that he drags around with him everywhere he goes. Jessica certainly put up with quite a bit over the years. Dan even dedicated a day in which he purposely avoided contact with her. It was Friday nights that became known as No Jessica Fridays, or NJF. Dan and the entire crew (before the infamous yet vague falling out) would go out to dinner and spend insane amounts of money. Most times we would than go to a bar, and Dan would tell us why no girls want to hook up with us and point out all our faults until we all wanted to die.

Dan plans to wed in October 2004 which give him slightly over a year to google search his wedding plans. I am predicting perhaps the first ever chat room bachelor party in this history of the free world.

I see very little of Dan K. these days due to his pure hatred for humanity. Despite the fact that he has lived the life of a married man for about four years its still big news that is finally going to make it legit. It seems just like yesterday Dan K was trying to glue me to my seat in grade school. I am happy for him and hope his marriage is a long and healthy one. I am sure all my readers who mostly only know him in his cartoonish form in Tucker's World are happy for a complete and total stranger.

I am not supposed to make this public knowledge but he plans to ask Drew to be his best man when they go out to the bars tonight. Maybe if I have time I will come up with a quick list of classic Dan K. stories. Unfortunately there are very few recent ones, since he is bunkered down in his apartment praying that the world will end soon.