"Take a Seat Smarty"

Somewhere in South Philly there is a group that meets. They are called the "So Close Club". They are filled with all the loved players of all the Philly teams that have fallen short for almost a quarter of a century. Tonight they induct a new member.

Mcnabb walks to the podium.

"Good evening. Welcome to the So Close Club. Before we get started with the induction I would just like to make a few announcements. First off there is plenty of Campbell's chunky soup to go around so help yourself after the speakers. Also be kind to our bartender tonight, Mitch Williams. He really needs the money. Also stop by and see our Deejay for tonight Randall Cunningham if you wish to hear the theme from Rocky 15 times tonight."

Randall stands up, "Hey everybody"

Everybody "Hey Randall Cunningham!"

"Lastly Bonnie and Carl Lindros have requested we keep it down because Eric is cranky if he doesn't get his nap. Before we start let's take a look at this slide show provided by Comcast Sportsnet. Of course if you have the DISH it might be the first time you ever saw these images"

The Slide show starts playing Sara Mclaughlin's I will Remember You.

::shot of Mitch Williams giving up a home run::

::: shot of the Eagles getting beaten at the Vet::

::::Shot of Lindros sprawled out on the ice not long before the FLyers blow a 3-1 games lead in the conference finals::

Before the next image comes up the door opens and the dark room is illuminated. In the light stands the Answer Allen Iverson with a his "Dawgs".

"The program was starting at 7: 30 sharp!" Donvan snaps.
"If you go came to rehearsal yesterday you would know that!"

AI cocks head to the side.

"rehearsal!?!?! What you talkin' bout rehearsal? Rehearsal?!? Rehearsal? I'm da MVP! Check dis out alrght? I were to be here on time but my ride is all busted up. All broke down and sh*t. I even parked in the damn handicap spot so I aint have to walk across the damn parking lot. And you are talking about rehearsal?!"

Suddenly his "Dawgs" start eating the buffet laid out before its time.

"The corn I picked myself isn't done yet! It not time to eat!" Yells Keith Jones.

Suddenly Dave Brown, Claude Boivin, Sandy McCarthy, Simon Gagne and John Kruck march up to the AI's friends and try to restore order. Gagne takes a swing at AI, misses and still manages to shatter his wrist.

"You ain't got de balls to take me on!" AI says to Kruck.

"Bring it on bitch!" Kruck says.

Suddenly everyone has their shirts pulled over their heads and a fight breaks out. However the Philly PD shows up just in time before it gets out of hand. AI is taken out in cuffs.

"Is I told you the cops had a conspiracy against me! Damn police always trying to get Iverson! Just wait till Mayor Street finds out!"

"Sorry for the interruption" MCnabb continues.
"Why don't we just introduce our new member to the so close club. In the tradition of just falling short Smarty Jones choked in Philly fashion and failed to get the triple crown. Ladies and gentlemen SMARTY JONES!"

Smarty takes the microphone.

"I would just like to thank the fans for their support. I just ran out of gas I guess. I did win two races, but I know how the fans are really hungry for a championship since no one has won one in over 20 years" Smarty said looking all sad with his ears down.

"We have to won a championship in the last 20 years!" yells a man from the back.

"Shut up Kirby Law!" says Everyone.

Smarty finishes his speech and meets up with Flyers Captain Keith Primeau in line at the buffet. Keith puts his arm around the depressed horse.

"You know there was much debate if you were Buck County or a Philly sports player, but I think you really proved yourself to be part of the Philly family. You really earned yourself seat in the Philly sports world you are going to fit right in!", said Keith.

"Well on the bright side I get to hump lots of girl horses!"Smarty exclaimed.

"That's one up on me. My entire sport is falling apart. I can only hope Jonesy hires me to serve corn at the new ball park. All my teammates like Kappy and Timander are not only leaving the NHL but the country." Keith responded.

As they moved up in line Smarty looked at all the tables that were filled with dozens of past Philly athletes.

"Who are allll the big shots?" Smarty asked as he grabbed himself a bunch of hay.

"Well that table is the VIP the REALLY close table. There are the 1987 Flyers. Look there's Tim Kerr, Peter Zezel, Dave Poulin, and Mark Howe. Next to them is the '93 Phillies with Darren Daulton, Krucker, Inky, Dykstra, and Marino Duncan. All part of Philly's tradition of coming oh so close." Keith said.

"Didn't the Sixers get close a few years ago?"Smarty asked all confused.

"Well yeah, but I guess the writer of this story can't name anyone that played on that team." Keith was looking over his shoulder while in line at the buffet and didn't realize he dropped a meatball on the floor. It kept rolling and went right between Hextall's legs.

The Flyers captain then showed Smarty the scapegoat table where all the coaches that the Flyers fired in the past few years. Smarty than asked why two seats were vacant.

"Oh that seat is for Billy Barber and that one is for Craig Ramsey they are too busy winning a Stanley Cup." he explained.

Keith then walked Smarty over to his table. He walks away mumbling something about how the poor powerplay isn't his fault. He sat down next to JR who keeps asking him if the won game 7 or not.

Smarty's eyes widen when he saw who his company was.

"Buddy Ryan...Chris Gratton, Shawn Bradley, Hershey Hawkins, Tommy Soderstrom. Oh my GOD this is the D-List table!"--Smarty Cried out.

"I am such a loser! This is the lowest point of my life!" Smarty started crying and put his holves over his eyes.

"We sure do suck in this town!" Said Howard Eskin who walked up to say hello. "I think a little bling-bling will cheer you up!" Howard puts on his gold chains and fur coat.

"Call me man we can hit the town later. Everyone loves me!"


"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" Smarty yells with his holves in the air.

"Thank's for coming out everyone!" says McCnabb.

"Welcome Smarty. Don't forget fans there is always next year!"

Everyone laughs.