"NHL 2004-05 Preview"

The NHL is dead, the AHL has ruined the game of hockey and its almost certain at this point that the WHA2 has fallen through before the first season even started. However, there is no reason not to go with ahead it my NHL preview anyway. Here, we go hockey fans!


Flyers: FLY EAGLES ! LETS GO IGGLES BABY! WE GOT .T. O. BABY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TO!
SUPERBOWL !!!!! (SCREAMING DRUNKENLY)

New Jersey: The Devils wanted a new stadium, no one in North Jersey was really all excited to go out of the way to get them one since no one goes to their games but Flyers fans. Their prayers have been answered there is no longer a reason to get a new stadium, because hockey no longer exists.

NY Rangers: Since MSG the tv station carries the Devils, Islanders and almost all Rangers games there are losing a truck load of loot in TV money over the lock out. One of the few NHL teams that actually makes profit will lose money this year. So, instead of making money and not being in the playoffs they will lose money and still not be in the playoffs.

Pittsburgh:
Super Mario is screwed no matter who wins, not unlike Americans in the pending general election. At least their will slot machines at the Igloo soon.

NY Islanders: Where will the Flyers fan club take bus trips too?

Washington: Capitals fans don’t have to worry their team is basically just a bunch of AHL players! So, they can basically see the entire final roster from last season play for the farm team. Hey if the team is a farm team and there is no team to send your players up to…is it still a farm team?


Tampa Bay: They can burry the cup in the sand in the beaches of Tampa, because the NHL will never return.

Florida: I don’t think the fans even noticed there is a lockout, so I am not to worried about them. Besides most their fans likely got blown away in the winds of one of the seventy hurricanes they had this season. IF they are lucky they were blown to Europe where hockey still is played.

Carolina: I guess both their fans are just going to have to go to more college basketball games.

Atlanta: Well this season is going better than last years…none of the players recklessly drove their fast car killing a team member. Chin up Thrashers fans.


Ottawa: They are going to make up money for the first time in years! Chin up Sens fans!

Buffalo: I would like to take this time to apologize in advance for the Atlanta joke.

Toronto: I can imagine there are going to be lots of leafs fans jumping off the CN tower. Hey Drew next time we go to Toronto can we PLEASE go in the CN tower?

Montreal: One of the most hallowed sports franchises in the history of sports is dead now. Well at least the people of Montreal have the Expos to cheer for…OH WAIT!

Boston: The home of the Democrat National Convention I would imagine that the Bruins fans would LOVE to go back to the good old days when lockout talks were just a “nuisance” . It is a lot more fun and easier than dealing with reality. The whole “CBA thing” is exaggerated anyway.



Western Teams

ST Louis: They are going to be singing THE BLUES. There is no hockey. Don’t meet me in ST. Louis if you want to be watching hockey.

Detroit: Hockey town without hockey? Now that the NHL is dead and the Red Wings are just a memory the town will nicknamed after the other popular city hobbies. Yes the are now calling it “Smoking Crack, and Murdering People Town.”

Chicago: ESPN or SI or somebody voted this team the worst franchise in the history of sports. Well, since the sport of hockey has left us forever it is highly unlikely they will ever be dethroned.

Nashville: The lockout was great for this team. Untill the owners met last month no one even knew Nashville had a team. They still made the team owner sit at the kiddie table during the negotiations though.

Columbus: How can you think of hockey without thinking of the city of Columbus? I beg you. Just try it. I can’t imagine what the Blue Jackets fans did when they heard there will be no hockey. Actually I think I can imagine, I am guessing they looked really sad and then the all realized not only there was no hockey but they lived in Columbus and all killed themselves.


Dallas: If Bush loses the election he will go back to his ranch and order up the hockey package. Even if everyone tells him there will not be a season or any games to watch he will insist on spending tons of money on something that isn’t worth it.

Anaheim:

Los Angles: FLY EAGLES ! LETS GO IGGLES BABY! WE GOT . T. O. BABY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TO!
SUPERBOWL !!!!! (SCREAMING DRUNKENLY)

Phoenix: I bet Wayne is glad he put all the time and money into saving this team from meeting the reaper. All that trouble, and now hockey is dead.

San Jose: Believe it or not the fans here are pretty loyal and love their team. I am sure it bites to be a Sharks fan right now.

Vancouver: The question lots of people keep asking me is will Todd Bertuzzi be back in the NHL?
My answer: NO! And neither will 21 other Canucks. There will be no 2004-05 , 2005-06 season or any other season. The sport is dead. Might as well give him the chair now he is worthless to humanity.


Colorado: Wasn’t that great the way Paul Kariya and Temmu Selanne played for the league minimum for the Avalanche just for a shot to sip from the cup and be the part of something special? The NHLPA didn’t think so, they give both NHL superstars a bunch of crap about it. They would hate to put the love of the game before money for the players and agents.

Minnesota: So the North Stars owner sells to the highest bidder which results in the team dropping the North part of their name and moving to Dallas. Then the team finally comes together and wins a cup. Who do they root for? Well the Minnesota Wild who arrived a few years ago! Now they are starting to become a good team. Somewhere in a bar 20 years from now people will be looking at the really old pictures of Stars and someone will be what the hell is that? I have a faint memory of that…but I really don’t know what sport that is.

Edmonton: If you needed on less reason to go to one of the coldest damn cities on earth. Now there is no hockey to see there.

Calgary: Did anyone stop to think about the FLAMES GIRLS during this lockout? DID THEY? DID THEY?